Why was I affected?

It has been a month since the shooting at Arapahoe.  I am still pretty heartbroken over it.  And I’ve tried over and over to figure out why.  I have many of the same connections as other people:  I went there, I student taught there, I applied to work there, I know people who were there, I work in a school, it happened so close to home, etc.  But I wasn’t there that day.  Why is it still affecting me?

One reason is that I had hope.  When I was a junior in high school, I had a friend die.  I went on a trip and when I came back on Tuesday, I received the news that she was gone.  This gave me something to pray for when I heard about Claire.  There was hope that the ending wouldn’t be the same this time; that these students wouldn’t have to deal with the death of a friend and a fellow student.  It is tough to watch hope die.

A second reason is that I was too busy to care.  When Columbine happened, I was unemployed.  I could drop everything for those who needed to talk; those who needed to hang out.  On September 11th, I was employed very part time and that Tuesday was one of my days off.  I could process and be with others as they processed.  This time, I was committed both Friday night and all day Saturday.  I had work the whole next week.  I didn’t have time to process.  I’m glad that there were a few I got to see, but I didn’t have time to be with many of the others who I would have liked to have been with.

A third reason is because I knew the regrets and hurt that Tracy Murphy was faced with.  About 8 years ago, we had a student at my school who committed suicide in the school parking lot.  Although he did not go on a rampage beforehand, I dealt with all sorts of personal regrets of how I had treated him in the weeks before his death.  In my situation, I wasn’t sure of exactly why the student did what he did.  Mr. Murphy was not given conjecture.  I cannot imagine the sorrow in that heart and I pray for him often.

Finally, I understand the heart of Kyle Pierson.  By all counts, he was a great kid and had a lot going for him.  I too held a grudge against a teacher at Arapahoe.  Although the path I took was very different, I have held bitterness in my heart for over 25 years.  My teacher had no idea of how his words affected me.  He had no idea how alone I felt that day and how his words isolated me even further.  When I consider Kyle, I see significant echoes of my own depressed heart.  Schools around the state are filled with students with emptiness and/or bitterness.  What are we going to do to help them feel connected before they feel that nobody is there with them or for them?

Everybody has processed this incident in their own way, with their own reasons, and in their own time.  Let’s be patient with those who are still hurting.  Let’s be understanding of those who aren’t. Let’s hold out hope to those who need it.  Let’s offer an ear to those who feel isolated and alone.  Let’s make an actual effort – one heart at a time – to make sure that this doesn’t happen again.